Head, Heart and Balls

The penis and lust - some thoughts about male lust

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The ultimate dilemma for men is the tension between wanting to be in a long term relationship to meet the needs for love, support, kindness, companionship and so on that are met though having a long-term partner and the needs we have to spread our seed around, to fuck a lot of women, and to enjoy the thrill of the chase, over and over again until it is time to settle down and maybe raise a family.

Well, this dilemma has troubled men for generations: and now that we have the opportunity to spread the seed (metaphorically or literally) we find changing social pressures may get in the way of allowing us to express the basics of our male need to have sexual intercourse within or without a relationship.

As men, I guess we all know the experience of lusting after something or someone.

This intense and extreme sexual desire inevitably comes to join us at some point on our sexual journey through life, whether that be as a horny teenager, lusting after the unattainable girls in class, or as an older man consumed with lust during an intense session of sex. For me, the point at which I discovered lust was probably the first time I gave head to a really horny woman.

The taste of her juices, the sight of her lying in front of me, hips thrusting, juices pouring from her hot slit, moaning as she came, her vagina pulsing around my finger: all this, and more, made me wish to fuck her, hard and fast.

I'd never been so aroused, and it was an exciting and heady experience to push my cock into her hot, wet cunt and thrust, kissing her passionately, until I exploded, shouting my passion loudly, unconscious of anything but the intensity of my ejaculation deep inside her, my penis shooting my semen deep into her body.

I've reflected since on the nature of male lust. For example, how much control does a man have over his actions if he is so turned on?

I can't answer this question, since I have never been in a situation where I was intensely lustful without a willing sexual partner to satisfy me.

I know, though, that when I am extremely turned on, the experience of my lust has made me focus rather more on getting my sexual needs met than on what my partner wants.

Then again, no woman has ever said " no" to me in this situation, so I have no sense of how far I would go in pursuit of sexual relief.

 I remember being surprised by the comments of one woman with whom I had a brief affair on one occasion, as we were in bed, my erection pressing into her body as we kissed, she failed to get aroused, and, sensing that she wasn't responding to my arousal, I backed off and reassured her that it wasn't necessary that we had sex.

She seemed surprised. She told me that she had come to understand that when men were aroused, they "needed" sexual release, that somehow the urgency of the straining penis was too great for them to control.

It made me think - how had an intelligent woman like this come to the conclusion that an aroused man had to be satisfied, and that if she didn't allow him to have sex there would be some presumably unfortunate outcome for one or other of them? (The answer, I would guess, is that a man told her this.)

Soon after this, of course, I had an experience of sex in which my desire was more intense than normal. Perhaps I was angry with my partner, perhaps I was angry with women in general, and projecting it onto my partner.

 But my passion was strong, backed up by my male anger, and I really wanted to fuck her.

I understood how a man in this situation could lose himself so much in his passionate rage - or rageful passion - that he would force sex on his partner, or at least, press his case more firmly than usual.

I am not, let me say, being an apologist for men's sexual offences against women.

It is ridiculous to think that even if men do have justifiable anger towards women they should express it sexually. That is the basis of rape, either of the body or of the soul.

But I also think that the intensity of male sexual desire is something which some men have difficulty controlling - the reason for this, I am sure, being that they have not been taught the ways in which they can exercise self-control by the men who were (or should have been) responsible for them during their childhood and adolescence.

Such lack of moral and spiritual tuition leads to a man with an ethic which has been expressed by one author as FIKI: fuck it, kill it: his penis becomes a weapon of war rather than a source of pleasure. (See the book How To Manage Your Dick by Sean O'Reilly, from where this idea comes.)

Are you looking for male rites of passage? These are essential for all men who want to make the transition from the adolescent boy-mind of the teenage years to the fully mature adult masculine-mind of the grown man who can take his place in the world fully and responsibly.

I'm always amused by the reports of women who take testosterone: they come to see male sexuality so differently.

Here are the words of one transsexual woman who took testosterone as part of her transition to manhood during her sex change and experienced a level of lust and desire she had never thought could exist in a human being (bear in mind that taking testosterone will produce desire, make a clitoris grow into a mini-penis, and produce masculine changes like a beard and muscle growth in a woman):

"Standing next to Debbie, a co-worker, at break time, I realize again the intensity of this new male sex drive, the aggression of it. I have to hold myself back from touching her, a sheer effort of will, gritting my teeth.

I want to fuck her so bad, grab her and throw her down on the floor and fuck her so hard she aches for days. This impulse almost overpowers my better sense.

It's so strong, a rush of white lust from groin to gut, a hard stretch of flame. This feeling is different in intensity from what I'd known before, in its pleading for release. No wonder guys lose it sometimes, I think at this moment, How can they not?

In the beginning, I thought this a lot. My god, if this is how men feel, how come they don't rape more often? Rape and plunder. Take."

She goes on:

"I've talked to many transsexuals, and we wonder, if we had normal penises, would we rape?

With that piece of meat hanging between our legs so easy, so ready, watching and wanting these women....one transsexual, Tom, tells me that he got very turned on when he realized a woman he was walking behind was afraid of him.

This was a new feeling, scary and strange. He didn't know what to make of it...his jacked-up sex drive on the testosterone he was taking freaked him out so much he stayed inside for months, afraid of what he might get up to.

In time, most of these sexual feelings become less intense, but even so, some transsexuals say, half drunk on libido, 'If it were possible, I might do it, I could rape a woman maybe I couldn't control myself.'

I wouldn't and I bet they wouldn't either, but the stuff we take, that virile hormone testosterone, grabs you by the edge of your scalp and holds you tight - you begin to wonder, and if we wonder, knowing what it's like on the other side of the threat, knowing how afraid and vulnerable a woman can feel, what must lust be like for normal men?"

The author then goes on to describe how she found herself in a group sex scene, where a woman was giving a man a blow job. She felt that the level of sexual arousal in the men watching was so intense that they could have turned on the woman giving fellatio as a group and gang raped her:

"The guys are not moving. What will happen? The crowd's close to pandemonium, reeling at the edge of mob violence.

A vein of violence pulses beneath the surface. I'm enthralled, held by fascinated lust. I move back a few steps, I force myself with a mechanical effort because it is right, because I have to, sheer moral force.

It's breathtaking to watch this, to be in it and of it. A man in the crowd on the edge of...what? Doing what we could and might do if we could get away with it. What were we almost about to do to that woman?"

(Modified from Male Lust, edited by Kerwin Kay and others.)

So how is it possible for men to support and understand women's spirit and human aspirations if we see them as sex objects, fuelled by a lustful desire to fuck, a desire that sees its expression in even the best of relationships, where a man will still look at women other than his partner with lust in his mind?

The answer lies in forming relationships with women at a soul or partnership level, so that sex becomes just a part of the whole relationship.

However, this doesn't alter the premise that a man can't see the whole woman as easily as he sees the sexual object in a woman's body.

And note the danger in this point of view: women are seen as good, chaste and not desiring of sex. Men, like sex, are bad, dangerous, and want it all the time.

Sex then becomes something that bad, insensitive men impose on sensitive, good and fragile women.

Men need restraint, women protection. In our culture, where rape is so common, and seemingly so often unpunished, paying attention to this equation is important.

Acting as if it sums up the extent of maleness and femaleness leaves no room for the exploration of genuine mutual pleasure between the sexes.

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