Head, Heart and Balls
Long term relationshipsIndex/Home Page
Seeing each other every day, and concerning yourselves with the other important demands in your lives, you may no longer have the energy, wish, or need to make love with the same intensity as when you first met.
Quite naturally, like any two people who begin to build a home together and improve on their careers, or decide to start a family, you may focus your attention on other matters of mutual and personal concern.
The passion which drew you together and ignited the flame of your love is unlikely to sustain itself with the same degree of desire throughout the duration of your long-term relationship.
The familiarity which makes your partnership so comfortable and supportive can be the very thing which erases the excitement of the earlier days, when just the sight of each other would be sufficient to arouse you.
Seeing your lover every day, and sharing the hard times as well as the good, may create a supportive and nurturing relationship, but does not necessarily arouse the libido to the same extent as before.
Often, these changing patterns of sexual behavior will settle into an easy and compatible rhythm which happily satisfies you both.
There will be times when your sexual interest rises, and periods when it subsides, and this will largely be affected by outside pressures, such as stress, the needs of your children, the demands of your work, and the general accord between you both in other areas of your lives.
Differing Sexual Needs
Problems may occur in an established partnership, however, if you and your mate develop very different patterns of sexual need.
One of you may lose interest in sex altogether, or be content with occasional sexual episodes. What one of you might regard as an adequate level of lovemaking might be vastly different from the other's expectations.
It is perfectly normal for the frequency of sexual activity to subside after some years in an established relationship as passion gives way to closeness and intimacy of a different nature. This can be a mutually satisfying situation if there is no great disparity in your sexual needs.
Just being together, relaxed and aware of each other, while quietly involved in your own activities, can be a very nourishing experience in itself.
One of the most wonderful aspects of a long-term relationship is that it can deepen your friendship with each other.
Once you know that you can see each other as much as you like, the sexual pressure begins to subside and you can explore many different avenues of pleasure and leisure.
You can learn new pursuits, pastimes and games to enjoy and just keeping each other company will be rewarding and relaxing.
There is no rule that dictates how often a couple should make love.
You may feel deprived if you are not having sex every day, whereas your partner may think that three times a week is a happy routine.
The disparity could be even greater, with one of you believing that once a week is sufficient for your needs while the other is rarely interested in making love more than once a month.
One of you might even lose interest in sex altogether, especially when you have been together for a number of years, or following illness, childbirth, the loss of a parent, or promotion to a more stressful job.
The emerging differences in sexual needs can create a severe problem if you do not look at the issues, adapt to the changes, and reach a mutually satisfying arrangement that suits your varying levels of libido.
The one who is more deprived can feel aggrieved, and personally neglected. If you are in this position, you may begin to put pressure on your partner, berating the person you love, and you may feel demeaned by your unsatisfied sexual needs.
If you are the one who has lost interest in sex, you may resent your partner's desires and even begin to feel that he or she is making unreasonable demands on your time and intimacy.
A situation like this, if it is allowed to develop unchecked, becomes a vicious cycle. One of you will become increasingly obsessed with the need for sex, the other increasingly resentful and withdrawn.
There are many reasons why you and your partner may have differing sexual needs.
At various times, and for
different reasons, a low libido can affect either one of you. If this
continues, and is affecting the happiness of your relationship, you will need
to explore the reasons and find some way to improve the situation.
This dilemma may be compounded by the difficulty of talking about sexual matters - a subject in which egos can so easily be bruised.
Tact, diplomacy and negotiation, however, are needed to approach and address the subject.
If you are facing this situation, you will need good communication skills so that you can explore your varying sexual needs and feelings. You may then discover the root cause of your differences and find new ways to resolve it.
After a time, the passion and heat of sex may no longer enthrall you. You may seek to change the quality of your lovemaking into something that is more sensual and increasingly spiritually and emotionally uplifting.
If you are able to let go of the excitement of sex, and make love in a more meditative way, your intimacy and bonding will continue to flower.
One of the main causes for your sexual indifference may be that your love-life has become too routine. Flopping into bed after a busy day may not provide the ideal scene for an ardent encounter.
Try to create new and exciting opportunities for lovemaking, away from the more predictable situations. Make love in the living room instead of the bedroom, or stay at a hotel for the weekend.
Make love in parts of the house other than the bedroom so that the change of setting inspires new and delightful ways of lovemaking.
If you have one, light the fire in your living room hearth and abandon yourselves before its flames. By breaking old patterns of sexual behavior, you can keep your relationship very alive.
Other pages on the penis and male sexuality