How To Overcome Your Problems Ejaculating

You do not have to be bound by the constraints of delayed ejaculation any longer. And if you are a woman who is in relationship with a man who has delayed ejaculation, you need not fear being unable to bring your man to orgasm any more either.

Over the years therapists have come up with two main categories of reasons for delayed ejaculation:

The first is the inhibition of sexual drive, and the second is a lack of sexual desire, which is also called a “desire deficit”.

Both of these approaches to explaining delayed ejaculation (DE) come from therapists who have worked in the area and achieved considerable fame with their theories.

First was a woman called Helen Singer Kaplan, who was the originator of the inhibition model.

The second was a man called Bernard Apfelbaum, who came up with the desire deficit (or lack of sexual desire) approach.

You might think, and you’d probably be right, that these look like extremely different approaches to delayed ejaculation.

That doesn’t mean that either of them is wrong, because it could well be that delayed ejaculation (DE for short) has more than one cause.

What Does it All Mean?

Using the “inhibition of sexual impulses” approach, Kaplan suggested that one way to encourage a man to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex was to stimulate his penis with extreme force by hand.

The idea is to get his penis as near to his partner’s vagina as possible in the moments before he ejaculates. Then, at the last moment before he comes, he or his partner could push his penis into her so he ejaculates intravaginally.

Getting a man aroused with hand stimulation, then pushing his penis into his partner’s vagina at the last minute is not a sophisticated form of therapy – but does it work?

You might think this is not a very compassionate or sophisticated approach, and I tend to agree with you.

The extraordinary thing is, though, that sometimes it actually works. (It helps a man to ejaculate normally during intercourse.)

Now that could be because using force to overcome a man’s inhibitions about ejaculation is an adequate approach for some men.

It may get them over a fear barrier, perhaps. Or it may simply allow them to experience ejaculation inside their partner and find that this feels OK. After that, whatever was causing the blockage to their ability to ejaculate inside their partner is removed.

 But it doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s quite aggressive.

Whether the limited success it engenders justifies its use or not is another issue.

I suppose men who can’t ejaculate in a partner, and who are desperate to do so, would be delighted to have any treatment which works. So if it actually results in them being able to ejaculate in the vagina, it’s fine, regardless of whether commentators like me call it “aggressive” or not!

But what about the men for whom this doesn’t work?

What you tend find here is that they require a combination of therapies.

And certainly when that’s the case, you can bank on delayed ejaculation having a complicated origin. Here, the various threads that come together to cause it may need to be teased apart and dealt with separately.

(By the way DE is sometimes known as retarded ejaculation, though this word is not used much nowadays.)

You see, problems with ejaculation almost always involve some unconscious beliefs and thoughts about sex. That means a man won’t usually know why he can’t ejaculate. (“Unconscious” means you aren’t aware of them because they are held in the unconscious mind.) 

However, some men do have a sense of what’s going on with their difficulties reaching orgasm.

For example, you may be aware of a sense of caution or anxiety or even fear around women. You may perhaps have a sense which you deny (or don’t face up to) that you don’t really like the partner you’re with. You may hold anger, fear or resentment towards women. And then there are some men who perhaps have a fear of femininity or are more oriented to homosexual activity.

And certainly some of the men with delayed ejaculation prefer sex with themselves to sex with women or indeed any partner. And you have to see that psychological position – which is called autosexuality – as rooted in some traumatic experience in childhood.

And that’s one key to this problem: looking back into what happened to you in your childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.

But the thing is, many men with delayed ejaculation don’t really want to look into their childhood for traumatic events. That’s true even when this may explain the origins of delayed ejaculation. What they want is a cure.

And so we need strategies that can be used without delving deep into the unconscious. As I suggested above in the context of Kaplan’s work, this approach can be successful.

 One successful and popular approach is to sensitize a man’s body to the sexual stimulation he’s receiving so that he becomes more aroused more quickly.

You see, delayed ejaculation is almost always characterized by a man having a low level of sexual arousal during intercourse. This is true no matter how long foreplay or intercourse may continue.

And in fact it’s not that a man’s point of ejaculatory no return – the point of ejaculatory inevitability – is somehow set too high. It’s much more that he doesn’t reach that point, because he simply never gets aroused enough.

That implies that the roots of issues with reaching climax during sex lie in something that’s stopping the man becoming sexually aroused. Or, more exactly, sexually aroused enough to ejaculate.

And very often that something turns out to be a disconnection from his body, or disconnection from the process of sexual arousal.

Again, that’s almost always the result of some kind of traumatic experience in childhood. That could be abuse, whether it be emotional, sexual or physical. Or it could be bad experiences of some kind – even unrecognized trauma –  around sexuality in childhood.

But one of the interesting things about psychological healing is that it can take place just through the act of living, where we’re all presented with opportunities to grow and develop.

So many men can “retrain” their bodies to respond to greater sexual arousal without looking at the past. And this is done through a process called sensate focus. While I wouldn’t claim that it is successful in 100% of cases, it certainly works for a heck of a lot of men.

Video – Delays In Ejaculating


 And so do other techniques that are aimed at increasing arousal, like using porn, or finding orgasm triggers on the body such as nipple stimulation or anal stimulation. And indeed, incorporating into the couple’s sex life those things which the man (and the woman!) find particularly arousing.

But of course this isn’t really going to work where a man has some fundamental issue about the relationship that he’s in, or about sexuality, or about sex with a woman, or about femininity.

 In those cases it’s hard to see how the condition can be cured without addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues. Then something like the male / female mixed gender workshop Nobleman may help. This is where men can heal wounds – i.e. emotional wounds – suffered at the hands of women (obviously, usually their mothers).

Densensitization As An Approach To DE

Desensitization was once a common technique for re-establishing a man’s ability to ejaculate.  This is partly because desensitization is an effective treatment for anxiety. And a great many men have a lot of anxiety around sex! This can be eradicated just by giving them confidence.

(In passing, it’s worth noting that this demonstrates how overcoming DE is a multifaceted task, with many different approaches and possibilities.)

So desensitization would basically work by having a man masturbate to orgasm with his partner initially some distance away.

 Over a period of time, she will come nearer and nearer while the man masturbates to the point of ejaculation. It’s absolutely essential that he takes the time and effort to learn how to relax. This allows him to reduce his anxiety as much as possible as his partner gradually gets nearer to him during sexual activity. It’s a way of re-establishing confidence and safety and intimacy. 

Eventually, if this process is done carefully, he will reach a point where he can ejaculate with his partner beside him.

And at that point, the next step is to allow his partner to masturbate him to the point of ejaculation.

Men with delayed ejaculation often have a particularly “firm” way of masturbating which they learnt in adolescence. And this “death grip” may get a man accustomed to a high level of stimulation. This can mean the more gentle stimulation provided by a partner later in life isn’t enough to get him off, i.e. make him come. And neither is the much gentler stimulation of oral or vaginal sex.

That’s why it’s absolutely essential for men in this situation to enjoy desensitization, and also to practice masturbating with a lighter touch. It helps if you abstain from sex for some time so that your sex drive is higher than normal. It also helps if you find the “orgasm triggers” on your own body. Anal stimulation is a particularly good one, but there are many more. These orgasm triggers are what we would once have called erogenous zones.

What about the psychological issues around slow or late ejaculation?

Well, a lot of men who have delayed ejaculation want to be in control. That’s because control is a psychological mechanism which protects a man from situations that once were harmful or threatening. 

The mind is a very clever organ, at least as far as fear is concerned. How? Well, it assumes anything which frightens an individual in childhood has to be avoided or protected against. And the mind does that…. very effectively….. keeping us away from the specific event that caused the original trauma, and away from anything vaguely related or similar to it. And it does this for the rest of our lives. Unless, that is, we intervene. Unless we get treatment.

It follows that a man who experienced any negative emotional experience at the hands of a woman (shame being high on the list) may well be wary of getting close to a woman in the future. And there’s no getting closer to a woman than sharing the intimacy of sex!

 Hopefully this begins to explain why men don’t get aroused enough to come. That’s why you experience delayed ejaculation. Because avoiding arousal means avoiding the intimacy of sexual intercourse

Especially the most intimate moment of all – the moment of orgasm, when you lose control completely.

You can deal with these problems by using the treatment program which you can see linked from the menu above.

Needless to say, when a couple work on this problem together, treatment is much more likely to be effective. For any intimate relationship to succeed it’s essential both the man and the woman are engaged with each other in mutual pleasuring. But many men with trouble ejaculating may feel much safer if their sex is limited to solo masturbation. So a desire to overcome the problem is essential… in fact, I think this is what makes all the difference to success.

Men with delayed ejaculation DE sometimes have a certain mindset about sex and their role within it. They often see themselves as good “providers” of the female orgasm, and having a great ability to pleasure a woman.

And some women in relationships with men who have DE are enjoying multiple orgasms. But many more, however, find the isolation and lack of intimacy very distressing. That’s why you may want to start talking to your wife or girlfriend. 

And try out the treatment program on this website Loving The Connection which you can use at home in privacy. 

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