Head, Heart and Balls

On men who never use their penis: vaginal aversion and late loss of virginity in men

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Some late virgin men - by which I mean men in their twenties and thirties or beyond who have not yet had sex with a woman - will have developed an aversion to the vagina as part of their desire to stay away from sex and sexual situations with women.

And many more men who are having difficulty in their relationships with women will have a degree of aversion to the vagina.

Needless to say, this is not helpful if they are planning to get into sex: who would want to put their penis in a place which makes them shudder with revulsion, or at the least turn away in disgust?

It's probably hard for a woman to understand this unless she has a similar issue with the penis. After all, the vagina is her special place - why would a man be offended by it?

picture of female genital anatomy

Sure, it can smell and produce secretions, but most heterosexual men find this intriguing or delightful, if not downright thrilling.

But the fact that the vagina is the essence of female sexuality can be precisely the problem for some men who have emotional or psychosexual issues with women.

As a man, overcoming your aversion to the vagina takes time and dedication, but it can be done.

Sadly for some men it remains impossible to taste or smell the vagina even if they learn to touch it without any sense of disgust.

However, if you're a man dedicated to the goal of enjoying sex with women, here's how you might go about it getting to the point where you can put your penis comfortably inside a woman.

The first step in this desensitization process is to develop the ability to touch a woman's vulva. If you are very averse to the idea of this, you can start by laying your hand on your partner's inner thigh.

You need to have some positive thoughts in you head while you do this - maybe the great time you had on vacation or the last wonderful meal you ate as you may have guessed, the idea is to develop an association between positive thoughts and your closeness to the vulva.

You need to be physically relaxed as well, so if you begin to develop muscular tension, take a deep breath and as you exhale allow all the tension to flow away.

I guess it's unlikely you're going to find this sexually arousing, but if you do start to get an erect penis, remember that the idea is to change your mind-set, not plunge into sex.

(Sex can be one way of distracting yourself from your vaginal aversion, since we men find it so easy to disconnect our emotions and actions.)

When you discover you can leave your hand near your partner's vagina without feelings of disgust or anxiety, the next step is to put your finger inside her vagina without becoming anxious.

Keep it there as long as you can without becoming uncomfortable. If you do become uncomfortable, move your hand away and take more gradual steps in this desensitization process.

Remember the ultimate objective is to have your penis inside your partner and enjoy the experience, so you may want to take small steps en route to this goal.

If you become only slightly anxious while you have your finger inside her, take some deep breaths and focus on suitably relaxing imagery until your anxiety disappears - or at least until it reduces to the point where you feel more relaxed about the whole process.

You can repeat this process until you are able to explore her vagina with your finger without feeling any negative emotions.

As an aside, I think it worth mentioning that at least some premature ejaculation may be attributed to vaginal aversion and a subconscious desire to complete the sex act as soon as possible.

The next step is to desensitize your aversion to the taste and smell of the vagina. It's important that you and your partner shower together before you start, so that you know both your penis and her vulva and vagina are clean.

When your female partner is ready, put your finger inside her vagina and leave it there for a few seconds.

Then remove it and bring it as close to your nose as you can - but take this slowly, since it may be a big challenge. Use the same relaxation and imagery techniques that I mentioned above to help yourself relax as you do this.

With each session you can bring your finger closer to your nose, until you're able to hold it under your nose and inhale the scent without any adverse reactions. The next step, of course, is to taste your finger!

While this may be a challenge, it can be done, and you can help yourself not only by using the gradual desensitization and relaxation process but also by using some cognitive processing - you know her vagina is clean, the scent is natural, that you are a grown man and it isn't going to engulf you, hurt you or castrate you!

If your anxiety goes through the roof, relax, back off, and take smaller steps towards the goal.

You may at this stage want to start wiping your finger on your penis after it has been in your partner's vagina. If you can masturbate your penis with pleasurable sensations while simultaneously keeping one finger in her vagina or wiping her vaginal juices on your penis, so much the better.

The final step is to taste and smell her vulva directly. This may seem like an overwhelming challenge, but again you can help the process successfully reach its natural conclusion (i.e. you can enjoy oral sex on her, or you can enjoy penile penetration) by using cognitive techniques and deep relaxation and taking it in small steps.

For example, at this stage, licking around the vagina may be all you can manage, but as you get more comfortable with her body, you'll be able to lick her vulva directly, and at some point lick the opening to her vagina and her clitoris.

As far as your penis is concerned, you may feel you want to keep it in a condom to avoid it touching the juiciness of the vagina. But this is not a way to get the greatest satisfaction from sex, nor is it fair on your partner if she wants unprotected sex.

So you can go through a similar desensitization process with your penis, gradually bringing it nearer and nearer to her vagina until you finally can enjoy inserting it fully into her.

It's likely at this point that even if you can have intercourse, you may well experience some sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation.

If you wish to do something about this, then you can find wonderfully effective ways to stop premature ejaculation.

I can't find any references on this subject on the internet, so the best I can do if you want more information is recommend Eva Margolies' Book, Undressing The American Male, in which this and a host of other sexual problems are addressed.

Sex Positions

If you want to know more about sexual techniques and positions, we recommend the following sites: one of the ones around at the start of the internet, but updated regularly as times change is The Sex Website, located here new sexual intercourse positions.

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