Head, Heart and Balls

The male orgasm

Men, Masculinity and The Penis Home Page

The first thing to remember about male orgasms is that they are much more important to men than female orgasms are to women! As Alfred Kinsey wrote in the 1950's: "After the initial experience of ejaculation, practically all males become regular in their sexual activity. [A man] may change the sources of his sexual outlet, and his frequency may vary over the weeks and months, but there is almost never a complete cessation of sexual activity until such time as old age finally stops all response." We men do indeed develop a love affair with our penises once we have discovered what they are for! 

The next point, which women may not appreciate, is that men (well, the majority of men, anyway) want to have their orgasms and ejaculate when their penis is inside a woman. Sure, in the absence of a willing woman, masturbation will do, but most men think it is preferable to be allowed to ejaculate in a woman's mouth as she gives him oral sex, or - above all - to be able to ejaculate in her vagina as she takes his deep penile thrusts. And of course many men also relish the idea of ejaculating after penetrating a woman's anus. This intense desire to orgasm and ejaculate inside a woman comes from generation upon generation of rampant males who reproduced because they had an urge to penetrate, thrust and ejaculate in that way. 

Once a man has achieved his objective of coming inside a woman, he may experience a feeling of fulfillment in a way that is difficult to explain (though I'd liken it to the fulfillment a woman can get after the birth of a child ): it's the fulfillment that comes from having done what we are biologically designed to do. 

This desire to ejaculate inside a woman is why oral sex is so popular: in a recent survey, 27% of men said that their most recent sexual encounter had involved oral sex. And over two thirds of men have received oral sex from a woman at some point in their sex lives. (Only two thirds?!) And most men say that when a man gets oral sex from his partner, she "should" swallow the semen. (Women, sadly, may not feel the same way.)

Although men are obsessed with reaching orgasm, there is some awareness that it is possible to have loving sex without coming. In a recent survey of British sexual behavior, one third of men accepted that they could have enjoyable sex without an orgasm. This interests me, for my own experience when trying this has been that a great deal of self-restraint is needed not to succumb to the urge to thrust and ejaculate. It's true that sex in this way can be very fulfilling, but I think you have to move into a place where the exchange of energy with your partner becomes as satisfying as the energy release of orgasm and ejaculation, and I'm not sure that is a very easy thing to achieve.

Still, the survey results do seem to show that men can relinquish their desire for orgasm at least on occasion. What I'd also like to know is how many of these men were experiencing the inability to ejaculate during sex, which reportedly affected up to ten percent of the male population - so a significant number of men with delayed ejaculation might be included in that 30% of men mentioned above who claim they can accept sex without ejaculation.

Apart from both the satisfaction of feeling fulfilled as a male after thrusting and ejaculating in a woman's vagina and the feelings of intimacy and love which are associated with this, the satisfaction of orgasm and ejaculation comes from the physical sensations and experience of semen release and ejaculation. The first sensation, that of impending ejaculation, is caused by the release of semen into the base of the penis. The second sensation, the intense physical pleasure of the forcible pumping of semen out of the penis and into the vagina (or mouth or breasts or hand or whatever!) is a result of the contractions of the muscles of the penile shaft and base, and the muscles surrounding the anus and prostate gland. What exactly does it feel like? There's no way we can know if we all have the same experience, but the words men use to describe their orgasms are similar: they speak in terms of release and explosions and pumping - but when you think about it, the truth is that it's actually very hard indeed to get inside the orgasmic experience and describe exactly how it feels.

Bearing in mind how important the male orgasm is to men, it's no surprise that a guy can feel shattered when it goes wrong. Whether that means not being able to get an erection, or coming too soon, or not being able to ejaculate, makes little difference - a man's self-esteem is linked to his ability to have sex and reach orgasm (and often to giving his partner an orgasm as well). There are pages on what to do if you have erectile dysfunction and can't get an erection here, and information on other male sexual dysfunctions is not hard to find.

Before you start sex, have a clear idea of how long you want it to to last. Talk to your partner so that she knows you are trying to prolong sex. Agree with her that she will have her chance at an orgasm no matter what happens to you - and then spend plenty of time pleasuring her before you begin intercourse. Then, take intercourse slowly. Don't thrust, and ensure she doesn't thrust much either. Don't let her squeeze your cock with her vaginal muscles, especially if you're near orgasm. If you feel yourself getting to the point of no return, withdraw and allow your excitement to drop before you penetrate her again: do that as often as necessary. Don't thrust too hard yourself or you'll surely come quite quickly. And ask her not to use exciting words or pelvic thrusts ("Fuck me, oh yes, fuck me, fuck my hot wet cunt", for example, is one which always sets me off when I'm ready to spill) while you are learning to exercise greater control!

How to improve the quality of your orgasms

  • Find a loving partner: there's no doubt the best orgasms come with a partner to whom you have the greatest emotional connection.
  • Get fit: improve your aerobic fitness and your muscular strength. 
  • Improve the strength of your "love muscle" or pubococcygeus muscle.
  • Lose weight: the reduction in fatty tissue makes your testosterone more effective and efficient in keeping you sexually active.
  • Don't smoke: this can reduce the size of the small blood vessels carrying blood to  your erection.
  • Learn how to be romantic: it will be surprisingly satisfying to woo and win the woman of your dreams  - and you can keep the sexual flame burning brightly by keeping romance in your life after you have wooed and won her.
  • Learn how to communicate: and tell your partner what you would like sexually, and listen to what she wants sexually. Then try and please each other.
  • Extend sex: the longer the build-up to your orgasm, the better it will be. Have her masturbate you or fellate you until you are aroused, then stop. Repeat several times, feeling the sexual tension build until you finally come in a crashing orgasm during intercourse. You can do the same for her, but you may want to make her come by masturbation or cunnilingus rather than intercourse (most women can't come from thrusting alone).
  • Organize special occasions: like a weekend away or a romantic candle-lit supper for two.
  • Learn some new sexual techniques and positions.
  • Treat her with respect.
  • Help her to understand how you see sex. For her, romance and making love may be much more important than penetration and orgasm. But for you, it may be different: you may value the orgasm more than the romance, but the irony is that to have the best orgasms with your partner you need to give her the romance she needs to get turned on. (And, by the way, nothing is more exciting than making love to an aroused, passionate woman.) Don't do anything tactless, either, like rating your orgasms on a scale of 1 to 10 (at least, not so she hears you do it). She will have invested a lot of emotional energy in creating a loving experience for the two of you, and she will want to make sex good for you. If you tell her you only had a moderately pleasurable orgasm, she is likely to be very disappointed and self-blaming. 
  • Massage is very good indeed for establishing communication and connection between a couple, and it turns both men and women on equally effectively. A long session of massage before sex can be  a prelude to much more intense orgasms. 
  • If you want more hand jobs (whether all the way to orgasm or not) and more oral sex, ask for it! If she isn't sure how to do it, suggest she reads the advice pages on this site. Don't go all the way to orgasm on each occasion of oral sex - use it as a prelude to full intercourse. 
  • Do whatever you want to, and need to, to get turned on: use sex toys, sexy books, films, clothing, role play, fantasy - all these are described on this website or The-Penis.com. Other helpful websites include rapid male orgasm, and Lucky Mojo on male control of ejaculation.
  • Learn where those erogenous zones are! For men: behind his ears, nipples, knees, inner thighs, scrotum, perineum, prostate, between his buttocks, around his anus (and many more besides). For women: vulva, clitoris, anus, buttocks, breasts, belly, neck, shoulders - oh, actually, everywhere, as you'll find if you spend enough time stimulating her skin.
  • Lastly: let yourself shout or cry out as you come orgasm if you want, since it can be very powerful to release your emotions in this way.

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Other pages on this site

Arousal & desire in men
Arousal and erections
Erections
The penis and aging
Circumcision, glans & foreskin
The effects of circumcision
Foreskin restoration
Condoms and contraception
Causes & cures of penile pain
The prostate gland
The penis and masculinity 1
Male multiple orgasm
The penis and masculinity 2
Masculinity & sex
Patriarchy
Sex positions for all situations
Masturbation
The scrotum and testicles
Masculinity & femininity
Love and lust
What defines a man?
Male lust
Men and relationships
Long term relationships
Male desire
One-night stands
The male orgasm
Testosterone
On being feminine
The penis as oppressor
Sperm wars
Sperm wars
Male seduction
Late male virgins
Late male virgins (2)
Vaginal aversion
The penis - mythology
Yeast Infections