Reflections on the penis, masculinity, male sexuality, and just being a man

Tell me, men, where do you feel most fulfilled? Down the bar with a group of men, joking and laughing about this and that, sharing a few drinks, playing pool or whatever, or in a social gathering with lots of relatives of both sexes? In the company of women or in the company of men?

With the boys on a fishing trip or camping expedition, or on holiday with the family?

I don't ask these questions just to be provocative. If you feel more comfortable with men than women, more at home in a group of men, more understood, in fact, with no need to justify yourself, could it be that you are missing out on something in our society?

And, conversely, if you feel uncomfortable in a group of men, could it be that you are frightened of maleness or masculinity in some way?

You might have guessed by now that I already have some strong opinions on these questions. I believe that genetically we have the potential to express our maleness in very important and profound ways, that there are necessary steps that we as human animals need to go through to develop into fulfilled men, and that our experience in the family and society does not generally give us what we need to become adult, mature men with a full sense of our deep masculine selves.

Of course you wouldn't be reading this site if you weren't interested in having a successful relationship with a woman.

But you may wonder what sustains "good enough" sex in a relationship after the initial passion and love has lessened.

Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy came up with the "good enough sex" model in 2010. And there are some really interesting principles here, which are set out in their book Enduring Desire.

So let's look at their view of how masculinity plays into the concept of "good enough sex".

They start from the principle that sex is an essential element of life, something that each and every one of us values both as an individual and as part of a couple – it provides comfort, intimacy, pleasure and indeed can boost one's self-esteem.

I think that's particularly true for men, because feeling like you're a powerful man is in large part about feeling that you're a potent and sexual man.

And of course to feel any of those things you have to be in a relationship where sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are viewed as very important.

To be able to get that satisfaction, you have to have realistic expectations of each other, not only in the emotional and physical areas of your interaction, but also in the way you relate to each other.

In turn, those things are contingent upon good health, and good behaviors: these are behaviors which show that you value not only your own body but your partner's.

This is really interesting because masculinity is recognized and maybe even defined by a certain body shape and size as well as an internal sense of masculinity.

Yet do we as men honor that? Men are much worse at looking after their bodies than women: women visit their doctors much more often, men delayed visiting a doctor when they need medical help.

And nowhere does this difference show more clearly than in the fact that men die so much earlier than women.

Now of course we're talking about masculinity and its relation to sex here, so we're not going to pursue the issue of how men neglect their own health!

But along with that somewhat careless attitude towards health goes another attitude which is very characteristically male: expecting to have perfect sex, and perhaps also the perfect relationship.

The reality is that when you have varied sexual experiences, flexible sexual experiences, and you don't want or needing or expect to produce a perfect performance every time, erectile problems, delayed ejaculation, or even premature ejaculation, will not affect your confidence in your sexual ability, because it is stronger than performance pressure or any fear of failure.

So please consider as a man how many of the possible purposes of sex you have fully integrated into your sexual and emotional relationship with your partner. The functions of sex are pleasure, intimacy, self-esteem, tension reduction – after all, think of how tension reduces after an orgasm! – and of course reproduction.

As a man, do you value your own sexuality and masculinity? Do you value the gender differences between you and your partner? Do you value her as a woman, and do you honor her femininity?

And finally, consider whether or not you have managed to integrate sex successfully into real-life, and whether or not you integrate real life into sex.

Integration implies your sexuality will develop in different ways throughout your entire life – consider for example the transition from randy, horny teenager to mature potent young man, and then to the sexually mature middle-aged man, and then into a place of elderhood where sexual certainties (like always getting an erection) begin to diminish.

What is the overall message of this?